MARRIAGE - any problems?

Someone has said that marriage is a perfect relationship between two imperfect people. Statistics show that marriages in urban areas are breaking up in the ratio of 1:3 i.e. every third marriage is on the rocks. Why? 

John Powell, in his book, The Secret of Staying in Love, says, "Love is an activity; it is a "standing in", not a "falling for". In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving."

-  It is important to remember that there is no perfection as long as we live on earth. There is no perfect human being who can satisfy you completely, complete every fantasy. 

-  Just like you have your faults, your spouse has them too. If it is a problem of alcoholism, reckless spending, mistrust-remember nagging won't help. 

Choose one of the options:

If you would like to speak at length about your problems, go to About Us, ask for e-mail counseling or meet me in person.

If you just need cheering up, go to the Sunshine Page

DEPRESSION - Are things just not fair?

Are you feeling depressed right now.

Remember that depression is caused by genetic factors, environmental situations, life events and biological changes.  

Which of these could it be?

Allow yourself to be blue but don't jump to conclusions when you are depressed.

A doctor would provide you with tonics or anti depressants, but the real solutions lie within yourself.

"Discouragement, if pursued, is the exercise of an option: to turn from creative to non creative mental activity, to turn from what is present to what is over, to turn from that which builds to that which destroys. By becoming conscious of the option my mood sets before me, I am free to decline it" 
says Hugh Prather in his book, 'Notes to Myself'. 

Choose one of the options:

If you would like to speak at length about your problems, go to About Us, ask for e-mail counseling or meet me in person.

If you just need cheering up, go to the Sunshine Page

ANGER - Did you just lose your head?

Tantrums, irritation, tall tempers, short fuse... no doubt about this one-- anger has destroyed relationships, ruined careers. As an emotion, anger is always dangerous. When you are angry, reasoning goes out of the window. Logic vanishes. Words and actions spill over in a great deluge, many of them, highly regrettable. 

"Give thy thoughts no tongue
Nor any unproportioned thought his act....
The friends thou hast and their adoption tried
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel....
Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice. 
Take each man's censure, but reserve they judgement....
(William Shakespeare in Hamlet)

Purpose of healthy anger: 
An increase in energy to produce beneficial change in the environment, whether it is the correction of injustice, survival, or assertion of one's genuine needs.

DISTORTIONS- If repressed or not expressed satisfactorily and harmlessly 
To sulk, grudge, blame or scapegoat others, become critical, silently withdraw, plot revenge. To attack, to take on the "Perpetrator" role or stance in life OR tears (pseudo-grief) OR Explosions and fear of consequences then repression and sense of powerlessness, with hate, (pendulum swings between "victim" and "perpetrator" roles) OR guilt OR sweet "yes-negativity" - the "Doormat" stance OR despair, self-hate, illness etc. AND chain reactions of anger in others and ourselves. Tertiary angers (don't look like anger, but pass it on): Being late, making mistakes, "forgetting", never quite coming to agreements or keeping them, interrupting, justifications, acting confused, giving the "silent treatment", having accidents, with denial of anger.

RELEASE:
Move it out of the body harmlessly as soon as possible. 

TRANSFORM:
Forgiveness.

OPPORTUNITY:
Seeking expression - Compassion . Unconditional Love without loss of spiritual strength. Strong Love. Loving Strength. Courage.

Remember: It is easy to get angry and easy to lose friends. But ultimately, nothing is worth that loss. The pain may disappear, the scars won't.

The best way to deal with anger is to:
a.  Recognise that you are getting angry
b.  Do not react immediately
c.  Move away from where you are immediately
d.  Analyze who you are angry with and why
e.  Settle the matter before the sun sets

Exercise in redeployment of ANGER 

PURPOSE: 
To use the energy of current or residual aggressive drives to fuel constructive projects in our lives and bring benefits. Most of us know that to dig the garden or clean the house furiously can release angry tensions at the same time as producing benefits. This is an extension of the same principle.

 METHOD:
1. Pick a constructive project to which you intend and will to give more "steam". 
2. Set it aside for a moment, and get in touch with your aggressive feelings. Feel their vibrancy, their vigour, the effect they have upon your body, and , perhaps, the hurt they have caused you and the burdens of using this energy in any detrimental way on yourself or others. Give them 'space' - observe them without judging them or labeling them in any way. For the time of this exercise you are not trying to make them go away, you are accepting them in order to redirect them. 
3. Realize that this is now energy that you have at your disposal. It is energy that is precious, and can do things. It is also basically neutral, like electricity or heat. It could be used to hurt. It could also be the propelling power for the project or activity you have chosen. Begin to add loving intention to this energy . Add your love until you are ready for the next step, then: 
4. Vividly imagine yourself in the midst of your project, starting at the beginning and working through in your imagination. Call to mind as many details as you can, seeing, feeling, and hearing the sounds that go with all the moves involved, now kindled and intensified by the vitality with which you have chosen to invest them. See the benefits of the completed project , to yourself and others. 

TEST YOUR RESULTS: 
Keep records in your journal so you can explore this method objectively and document your results. You can then decide if this has been helpful to you. 

"It was rage that motivated me." (Florence Nightingale) 

"Good indignation brings out all your power." (Emerson) 

"Girl's anger led to best seller." (Headline in newspaper describing how high-school student Susie Hinton was angered by an attack on a fellow-student. She wrote a short story for her class, which blossomed into a novel, "The Outsiders" in 1967, which then became a film made by the same producer who made "The Godfather". The book sold over 4 million copies in the U.S.A. alone, was translated into 7 languages, and became part of the school curriculum in many school systems.) 

Aggressive energy has fuelled many creative artists, including Beethoven and Michelangelo. Mahatma Gandhi described how he would "conserve" his anger at oppression and injustice, not waste it. 

Note: A similar exercise to this can be done with the recollection of joyous experiences, or with the recollection of fine sexual energy, to enhance your creativity, in a wonderful way.

Choose one of the options:

If you would like to speak at length about your problems, go to About Us, ask for e-mail counseling or meet me in person.

If you just need cheering up, go to the Sunshine Page

top

FEAR - Are you fearing something?

PURPOSE:
Survival, caution. "Freezing" to avoid detection. Energy for escape (fleeing). Original fears in a baby are said to be only of sudden noises and of falling from a height. Later fears are picked up through experience or teachings of others.

 

DISTORTIONS:
(Especially if ridiculed and not allowed to express or share fear as a child) - phobias, panic attacks, chronic anxiety, obsessive or compulsive thoughts and behaviours (to push away fears). Perception of the world as dangerous, of others as untrustworthy, of oneself as powerless. (= "Victim" or "Doormat" stance in life). Sabotaging oneself to avoid situations perceived as risky or dangerous.

RELEASE:
Acknowledge it. Recognise it. Treat it for what it is - only your mental fear !!
Afraid of public speaking - try it out with your friends. You may fail initially but keep at it.
Afraid of designation or important people - remember they are as human as you.
Afraid of speaking out in the office - remember that you are as equal as others - everyone has the same brain!!

TRANSFORM:
Forgive past aggressors. Forgive oneself for continuing any patterns of feeling false guilt or self-diminishment as a result of the incident(s). Healing of the "Inner Child". Giving oneself a "happy childhood" now . Public speaking, martial arts etc.

OPPORTUNITY:
Confidence & Courage and the restoration of Unconditional Love. (Courage= rage de la coeur, or rage of the Heart) Restoration of the spontaneity and creativity of the Inner Child.
Remember that a victimised child had no power compared to the adult aggressors/abusers. A whole people oppressed by a totalitarian regime is in a similar situation. In trying to hide the humiliation, beliefs like "I have no power", or, "I will never have anything to do with anger" come into existence, and the will is used to repress feelings. This may operate long after it was appropriate for self-preservation.

top

BAD FEELINGS

The Safe Release of Bad Feelings.

PURPOSES & BENEFITS:

1. To release or "move out" the BURDEN of current or stored negativity harmlessly . You cannot pour out love if your bucket is totally full of resentment! Can be especially valuable for those who physicalise distress (e.g. cancer, hypertension, heart disease (with care), ulcer, arthritis etc.), find anger management difficult, or deny their own power.

2. To love, care for and restore healthy function to the body by burning up adrenaline and other stress hormones, and by releasing uptight autonomic nervous system sets. To love and care for our relationships - with ourselves, others, and nature by releasing hurt feelings, making space for serenity and peace. To love and care for our minds by clearing them of hurtful thoughts, making space for silence and wisdom. To free our bodies, feelings, and minds thus is an act of love.

3. To make it easier to do the forgiveness process.

4. To help those who fear their own anger to overcome this fear. People who have been seriously abused or witnessed the effects of violence often make a decision to never have anything to do with anger. They may then repress their feelings, and experience themselves as disempowered. And being unable to experience their negative feelings they may also not fully experience the positive ones as well. It's as if by "turning down the volume" on their pain they also turn down their joy. Full and safe expression of deeply held feelings as in this exercise can restore the capacity to experience both anger - and joy.

5. To restore the flow of love. One who cannot release anger safely, blocks love.

6. To assist us in our task of creating Right Human
 Relationships and Wellness at all levels.

7. As a test to find out if there is any anger stored in us, or to "get ahead", as it were of future anger, by emptying our bucket right out.

8. If you can think of no other reason, it is good exercise!

Solution to long term anger control
1. Recognise that you have a short temper / anger problem.
2. Note the situations which cause you to get angry
3. Note the mood you are in - sometimes when you are in a good mood, nothing may effect you.
4. Spend time with yourself regularly
5. Start analysing your past and write your bad experiences as you grew up
6. You will remember instances when you beaten by your elder brother, by your father, your mother being beaten,
parents always fighting, molested /abused, not being recognised for your achievements etc.
7. You will realise that you are getting angry when your goals are not being met, when you have not achieved
something, when no importance is given to you, you feel cheated, wronged etc.
8. You are transferring pain when you get angry 

I do not believe in the methodology of taking out your anger on objects and venting it out on photos of people you are angry with. This is short term and will not enhance your value system.

top

EMOTIONAL HEALTH:

Some characteristics of good emotional health:

A person with sound emotional health

1.  Behaves in the long run in such a way as to help herself and others. 
2.  Has a genuine subjective sense of freedom of choice for his actions. Can use his will to set goals and attitudes consciously and with goodwill towards self and others.
3.  Is able to function in accordance with her potentials, in other words, can achieve a high degree of self-realisation.
4.  Can postpone need gratification, can sacrifice for the moment in order to attain long-term goals and objectives.
5.  Can give of himself fully in deep and lasting and meaningful emotional relationships. He can be both spontaneous and controlled, depending on how he feels and what the situation calls for.
6.  Does not deny or hide her feelings from herself. Has a high degree of inner security, and thus feels a minimal need for using defence mechanisms such as repression, suppression, projection, rationalisation, intellectualisation etc. Therefore is not controlled or driven by emotional reactivity.
7.  Is capable of learning by experience, and of modifying his reactions when he sees they work against him. Flexible, not rigid. Can see his own mistakes with compassion, humour, even joy, and profit by them, thus gaining wisdom .
8.  Has no anxieties. Fear is healthy and necessary for survival, but anxiety is irrational fear, a fear with no adequate referent in the world of reality, and is an important characteristic of some emotional disturbances. Can give herself permission to take risks when necessary to achieve important purposes.
9.  Can forgive, and love, self and others unconditionally.
10.  Feels a deep identification and inter-relatedness with worldkind.
11.  Feels loyalty and sense of belonging to the patterns of family, community, country, planet and cosmos.
12.  Has faith in and love for something "higher" than him/herself. Has reverence for Life.
13.  Has knowledge of her own highest values and purpose and can guide her choices and actions accordingly.


Making friends with negative emotions.

It is important as you read this to be aware of:
1. How much medication is prescribed world-wide to "treat" or suppress the effects of the sustained distortions of the primary emotions - for example, anti-adrenergic drugs, tranquillisers, anti-depressants, and drugs for the psychosomatic diseases and muscle tension.
2. The amount of alcohol and tobacco consumed for the "stress" of the sustained distortions of the primary emotions, because people have not known how to do it differently .
3. Of the total cost of these in both money terms and in human and animal life and suffering. If you can become aware of when you have gone off course into a distortion of a primary emotion, then you can more easily self-correct yourself. 


Review of Emotional Experiences - An exercise

(a) Aggressive energy
Its purpose is to take an inventory, to explore your emotional reality in a compassionate, understanding and constructive way, so you can see what changes you want to make in your emotional patterning.

Write:
1.  What situations tend to provoke it?
2.  How do you know it - body sensations?
3.  What is your style? Explode? Deny it? Despise it? Harvest it for later? Enjoy it? Criticise? Pique? Say "Yes" when you mean "No!"? Stew? Plot revenge? Get pain somewhere or get ill? Repress your feelings? Express your feelings clearly, without putting the other(s) down? Fail to experience it at all?
4.  What are your favourite strategies for handling your own aggressive energy? For handling others' aggressive energy?
5.  Write about your childhood experiences with it? What did your parents do? Your siblings/ Teachers? Any significant experiences? What decisions did you make? What beliefs did you acquire about it all? Do you still believe them and act out of them? Do they still work well for you? If not, what would work better? Find examples.

Similar exercises could be repeated for (b) "fear" (c) "grief" (d) "admiration/jealousy/envy" (e) "guilt" (f) "self-hate" (g) "love" (conditional, tough, and unconditional), and (h) joy.

top

<<home